Step parent struggles? I never wanted kids. Part of that was because I had grown to become the exact person I had always verbally said I didn’t want to become as a kid – the kind that couldn’t relate to kids. I guess it can happen to the best of us. The bigger part though was that I have always firmly believed that if you are not willing to completely give up your life as you know it in favor of the child, then you should just not have them at all. Somehow I inherently knew I wasn’t willing to do that. In the end, the latter thought – do it right or don’t do it at all – is what made me a decent parent.
As my single days continued to pass I realized that the older I got, the higher the chance that if I found someone they would come with baggage. This thought occurred to me despite the fact that I was 35 years old dating 23 year old boys. I used to joke to my friends that if I met a man with a child I hoped it was a 3 year old. That way they would be young enough to be able to get used to the new situation but old enough that they could tie their own shoes and use a toilet without too much assistance.
Well, be careful what you wish for… When I met my husband he had a daughter who was exactly three years old. It was everything I had hoped it would be – potty trained and easy to get along with. The very first time I met her I was sitting in the front seat of the car. Her father put her in a car seat in the back and walked around to the driver’s seat (which incidentally is on the wrong side because I moved to London to be with him.) From the back seat I hear this tiny little voice telling me she had just gotten a new Peppa Pig. I didn’t know what a Peppa Pig was but I just had to smile back at the sweet, proud little face that was smiling at me.
…and then she turned four
Everything was a challenge or an argument. She could completely agree with me but would always side against me in favor of her father (or anyone else for that matter.) One day we were driving outside of the city so I could get practice driving in a British car on the wrong side of the road. My husband and I were arguing because of the stress. “Turn left at the roundabout…left!!” “It’s a roundabout. THERE IS NO LEFT!!!” and so it went. Frustrations were already pretty high when from the backseat the same voice that had told me the sweet Peppa Pig story said to me “I think SOME people need to do a little less complaining.” Oh that did it! I don’t remember what I said but, minus any bad language, I guarantee you it was a Jennifer Zinger (a very sarcastic retort.) I never did claim to be a saint.
I sent many an email to a friend cursing about how frustrating it was (only to be told it is just as frustrating when they are your own blood). Funny thing, when you hear all of the stories about step families you rarely take into account the feelings of the adult. Always the child. I knew I was the adult and that it was my place to deal with things in some kind of mature matter but this little shit was bullying me! I have feelings too. Eventually I am not going to be able to just sit there and take it.
Karma Chameleon
Maybe this was my karma. I am reminded of a story from my own childhood. I was sleeping over the house of one of my best friends from junior high school. She had a step father and she hated him so much she almost hated her mother for marrying him. Understandable as she was much older than three when the whole thing went down. It must have been a tough adjustment for all of them. Anyway, it was bedtime and her mother came to turn off the lights leaving us giggling in my friend’s room. Somehow we got it into our heads to sing Copa Cabana. We did Barry Manilow proud singing that song at a fairly loud volume until the wee hours of morning. This was despite (or perhaps because of) the repeated times my friend’s mother came to the door to say that she and her husband were trying to sleep. Not to mention after the first several rounds of the song they probably needed a bullet to the head or at least a good stiff drink.
From 6 to almost 9 years old, my step-daughter went through a period where she was fiercely loyal to her mother (who is a whole other story). If she caught herself laughing at a joke of mine at the dinner table she would feel guilty and run into her room. Worse, she would cry and say she missed her mother. She also wouldn’t accept anything bought for her by me (every shopper’s nightmare). This was such a frequent event that sometimes I had to buy things I knew she needed and have her father give them to her.
The Pegasus Debacle
What has now become an infamous story at Pike House is that of The Black Pegasus Jacket. Ben (my husband) and I were Christmas/Hanukkah shopping and I came across the most adorable little black baseball jacket with two white pegasus on the front. At the time my step daughter was really into unicorns and pegasus so I bought it for her. I was so excited to give it to her I could barely wait. She opened the gift on Christmas morning and expressed interest until she heard the gift was from me. Then she said she didn’t want it because she “didn’t like the color black and would never wear black.” To say I was not happy is an understatement but I will spare you the wealth of emotions that I dealt with that day. I’ll just say that when the holidays were over I took the jacket back to the store and bought myself a nice little trinket to make up for it. Two weeks later when it was our weekend with Ben’s daughter again she came to our house wearing a long sleeved BLACK t-shirt with white pegasus on the front that her mom had bought for her.
Now, remember I mentioned that even though we are adults, we still have feelings and we still behave as humans. Personally I don’t believe there is much “growing up” between childhood and adulthood at the fundamental level but again that’s a story for another time. When my stepdaughter turned up in that shirt after I had to return the rejected jacket I lost it. I’m pretty sure I sounded very little like an adult and very much like a teenager tattling when I pointed it out (multiple times) to Ben and pretty much anyone who would listen. I didn’t let it go. Oh no. For the next several years every time she wore black I pointed it out to her. It’s probably only been in the past few months that I’ve taught myself to bite my tongue when she wears the color (one of my favorites to wear by the way.)
Which brings us to now
My step daughter is turning 10 at the end of the month and I have been in her life for far longer than I wasn’t and certainly as long as she can remember. She is incredibly intelligent (she gets that from her father) and always at the top of her class. She is also incredibly patient (again gets that from him) and has had to take a lot of things in stride for a girl of her young age. She is probably the most well-behaved child I have ever met and though she doesn’t jump on new ideas, she does eventually come around in a positive way. Every once in awhile, I catch her mimicking something I have said or done. One of my favorite examples was the time I was collecting clothes from my closet that I no longer wore to give to charity. Later that day her Barbie dolls did the same. I couldn’t help feeling a little flattered.
As far as my life goes, I don’t feel like I have given up anything. Part of that is because we only get her every other weekend but I don’t feel like I am missing anything in my life during the times that we do have her. In fact, being an adult figure (if you can believe that) has actually become a satisfying part of my life.
At first I may have been just going through the motions on the weekends she was with us. Given my belief that you either do it right or not at all, I was determined to do right by this child. She didn’t ask to be born. She certainly did not ask to be a child of divorce. I may not always relate to kids today but I know what is important for the healthy growth and development of a child. There have been many times where I have fought behind the scenes (as in not in front of the child) to ensure she has the most comfortable upbringing I can help give her. It’s not always easy and it is certainly not always acknowledged. I’m not sure exactly when it happened but in the past year or so, the “going through the motions” part of doing the right thing kind of fell away. Now it just comes naturally. Anyone who knows me knows I can be a bit of a mama bear when it comes to people I care about and that extends to my step daughter. It extends to the little family of three we have formed.
Yesterday my step daughter told me that she loves to wear the color black. I think maybe I am doing something right…
